the inchoate thesis does some soul searching

turned in my thesis revisions today. i'm more than exhausted. i went to bed as the sun started to rise this morning at 5am.

current sentiments? dear friend l. asked if i had a deadline hangover. i think that's the best term for what i feel right now. you want to be happy, because the worst is over. but all you feel is remorse over that paragraph that was still unclear, that word that could have been changed, that source you forgot to add, or that figure you cited but forgot to paste in the document. or, especially in my case, that you want to throw it all away and start over because you think you could do a hell of a better job if you started from scratch.

whatever.

the subject line for my email to my advisor read: the inchoate thesis, 2nd attempt.

the ideas and the assertions i make in my thesis are still new ideas, raw and needing some time to mature and change. i have commitment issues when it comes to writing, so i'm surprised the words came out at all. i'm going to be studying fresno for likely a large chunk of my life, so if it remains inchoate, well--i have a lifetime to perfect my thoughts and ideas.

next up: the post-deadline-hangover nap, which is always a sweet, sweet thing.

then off to utica for the evening to give a presentation. tres epuisant!

finish line

you can do it. two and a half days left. it's just a defense draft, you can always return to it. it's not going to solve the world's problems. in fact, no one may ever read it, and that's okay. it's your first attempt to articulate the way you see things. you may change your mind in the future, and disagree with what you write today. it's good, though. even emerson thinks so. what happened to mom isn't going to happen to you. you have a solid support network here in ithaca to back you up. mom didn't. no one believed in her, and so she didn't believe in herself. people believe that you have something to say, something that is unique. speak that voice. don't hide in anxiety and fear. stop obstructing yourself from progress because the perfect words don't appear on the page, the perfect ideas, the things that people will wonder why they haven't been discussed yet. it's a fucked up mess that is so much bigger than you realize. do not carry that burden alone. this is your catharsis. this is your first chance to speak from the outside.

and know that your family will always love you, despite the cognitive dissonance you may create in their mind. that's okay. it's all going to be okay.

twentyfive.

at about 12:03 eastern sunday morning, in the company of good friends and under the influence of a bit of cabernet sauvignon, i declared my twenty-sixth year the year of letting go.



here's to the surrender to serendipity!

mail day!

today was a very exciting mail day. i documented the fun with pictures.



who do i know that lives in milwaukee?!



ooh! i know what this is! but with a brat fry? this is already amazing, and i've only seen the cover.



i just love this design. my friend meghan's sister emily designed it. fabulous, no? and the fun is only getting started.



hey, this person also lives on green[e] street! but who are they? and in brooklyn? intrigue.



the 2010 buy local eat seasonal tea towel by claudia pearson illustration! what?! how?! oh, right. my birthday is sunday. but who?! thank you, mystery person!

now, if my new yorker could just arrive, mail day would be complete.

laying in bed and watching the snow fall

i just wanted to write about this sweet moment so someday i can go back and remember these few seconds of peace.

so quiet, so serene, so beautiful it takes me away from the stress for a few minutes.

i live in a snow globe.

but that silly california bear on my wall keeps reminding me this isn't forever.

oh, HELL no

just found the inspiration i need to kick ass on the paper i'm currently writing:

http://rawstory.com/2009/11/beck-yapping-palin-kitchen/

this was a way too upsetting reminder of all the times i was told by my male peers that my "place" was in the kitchen, growing up.

while i have a lot of issues with palin, i have absolutely no tolerance for this type of male chauvinistic behavior.

i swear, if i see a beck book at christmas, i'll throw it in the fireplace.

good god, how i love emerson

I've had to read some of the essays of Ralph Waldo Emerson for my American Political Thought class. This guy puts to words ideas that I've been thinking about for years. He's completely provocative but completely natural, all at once. I'm positive I'll be reading him until the day I die.

"Prayer that craves particular commodity, anything less than all good, is vicious. Prayer is the contemplation of the facts of life from the highest point of view. It is the soliloquy of a beholding and jubilant soul."

Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

"Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet."

Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Circles"