today

today. today was a different day. today i woke up at 2:47 am to the sound of pouring rain. today i walked ten blocks in semi-flooded streets with sheets of rain coming down to union station at 3:15 am. today i took my first amtrak train in the northeast corridor. today i jumped on a plane on a whim after booking my flight the night before. today i felt enveloped by the familiar green rolling hills as i landed home, ithaca home. today i played with beautiful baby phoenix. today i started a mission that may change my life. today i had a lovely takeout dinner with friends on their second-story porch. and today, (perhaps tommorrow), another baby takes its first breath. micah.

i have no words

for the constant state of disarray that is my life since july. i have to be awake in less than five hours to walk to union station, catch a train, then a shuttle, then a plane. and then i'll be back in my happy place, away from the troubles of the district.

oh yeah. i moved to washington.

the only news you'll ever need

Barack Obama's facebook feed:

http://www.slate.com/id/2258126/?from=rss

so typical

of course, the latest awesomeness mashup of coffee and chocolate WOULD only be available in portland OR. and at stumptown roasters, the hipster maven no less.

blurg!

but we can still lust after the coffee bar, can't we?

neon makes everything better

scotty is having a very difficult conversation with his family right now. we are pretty sure we are not moving back to california, at least for now. i kind of feel like a villain in all of this, but it's just plain complicated.

but i found that someone spilled neon paint on the sidewalk below my window. and there's nothing like a little splash of neon to make everything seem okay.

the inchoate thesis does some soul searching

turned in my thesis revisions today. i'm more than exhausted. i went to bed as the sun started to rise this morning at 5am.

current sentiments? dear friend l. asked if i had a deadline hangover. i think that's the best term for what i feel right now. you want to be happy, because the worst is over. but all you feel is remorse over that paragraph that was still unclear, that word that could have been changed, that source you forgot to add, or that figure you cited but forgot to paste in the document. or, especially in my case, that you want to throw it all away and start over because you think you could do a hell of a better job if you started from scratch.

whatever.

the subject line for my email to my advisor read: the inchoate thesis, 2nd attempt.

the ideas and the assertions i make in my thesis are still new ideas, raw and needing some time to mature and change. i have commitment issues when it comes to writing, so i'm surprised the words came out at all. i'm going to be studying fresno for likely a large chunk of my life, so if it remains inchoate, well--i have a lifetime to perfect my thoughts and ideas.

next up: the post-deadline-hangover nap, which is always a sweet, sweet thing.

then off to utica for the evening to give a presentation. tres epuisant!

finish line

you can do it. two and a half days left. it's just a defense draft, you can always return to it. it's not going to solve the world's problems. in fact, no one may ever read it, and that's okay. it's your first attempt to articulate the way you see things. you may change your mind in the future, and disagree with what you write today. it's good, though. even emerson thinks so. what happened to mom isn't going to happen to you. you have a solid support network here in ithaca to back you up. mom didn't. no one believed in her, and so she didn't believe in herself. people believe that you have something to say, something that is unique. speak that voice. don't hide in anxiety and fear. stop obstructing yourself from progress because the perfect words don't appear on the page, the perfect ideas, the things that people will wonder why they haven't been discussed yet. it's a fucked up mess that is so much bigger than you realize. do not carry that burden alone. this is your catharsis. this is your first chance to speak from the outside.

and know that your family will always love you, despite the cognitive dissonance you may create in their mind. that's okay. it's all going to be okay.